When he kicked in the door to my Berlin apartment I didn't notice then. When he wrenched my laptop from my hands and shouted at me angrily in German it still didn't click, and although I dont speak German I realised he was here to steal my property and his words were threats. I chased him down the spiral staircase and out into the street where he boarded his method of escape, a Segway. I leapt into my Vauxhall Nova and pursued him down the street. The nova struggled to keep up with his two-wheeled, self-balancing transportation machine, the engine spluttering and shuddering violently. As we tore down the road I couldn't help but notice his tattoos and hairy visage were very familiar. I realised I still had the nova in first gear and as I cracked it into second I pulled alongside him and pulled a fishtail maneuver that I had seen on shit American reality cop shows dozens of times. The segway flipped down and to the side, hard, and the German thief scuffed the concrete fast, shoulder first, and rolled many times in only a second.
I now stood over him and most of his body was bruised and scratched. He still cradled my laptop which I took from him as I kicked him in the ribs. He shouted to people in the street saying, I guess, that I was robbing him. A mob gathered and I tried to explain I was taking back which was mine but being unable to speak the dialect I panicked and ran.
You know how that effect in slasher movies where no matter how fast the victim runs the slow paced attacker is always two paces behind? this is what started happening between me running and the hairy tattooed German criminal. He was gaining on me despite his severe injuries. I ran across a football pitch I recognised from my youth. It was an asphalt pitch and this caused me to lose momentum and as I turned to see how close he was I tripped and fell. He was now standing over me. He reached down and grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and suddenly the continuity of the real world kicked in.
A moment of stunned silence.
"Morrow, why are you German and stealing my laptop?" He looked as bewildered as me to the immediate shift in the fabric of what the fuck was going on.
"I dont know but I think I need to get to a hospital." he replied.
"ok I'll take you but you're not going to stab me or anything are you?"
"Anderson, see in about thirty seconds let's never ever talk of this again."
The alarm went off and it was Monday morning and I had to go to work. Yes, Monday, Crump's favourite day.
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